I have just realized I have been silent on the blog for almost 3 years. Many things have happened since I last posted, and some of these (like the death of my beloved grandmother) are the reason why I haven’t felt like writing. I guess it sounds perfectly normal and understandable, yet to me this is completely new: in the past, especially in my early twenties, the only way I knew to cope with pain was writing.
I actually started writing at a very young age, when my aunt decided to quit this world without as much as a goodbye: I had to tell her that I loved her, and to do so I wrote a poem. Thinking about it now, I guess I needed just as much to tell myself that I loved her, despite the resentment I felt at the beginning for having been abandoned that way (when you are 6 years old, everything seems to be about you).
I don’t know why, but writing doesn’t seem to heal my wounds anymore. I feel like I am drowning in my own thoughts… have you ever felt this way? I am struggling for inner peace, and at the same time I wonder what it really means, to feel at peace with oneself… I have always had this love-hate relationship with myself.
So, what’s the solution if no real nor virtual ink can help anymore? I’m not sure I have come up with one yet… but yesterday I attended my first yoga lesson. It was… strange. In a good way, but still strange. I exercise regularly and I am also an introspective person, so I thought yoga would have been super easy for me. Apparently, though, the most difficult thing for me is not to focus on thoughts, to leave problems behind, to just sit and relax. I guess I had underestimated the burden of my thoughts! I will attend this course twice a week, so in a month or two I’ll probably be able to tell you if it’s helping me or not. Right now it just feels good to have started a path that might lead me to inner peace… whatever that means 😉
Have a zen week everyone!
This post belongs to a blog circle called Sisterhood Stories. Please read my friend Kay’s entry and complete the circle! 🙂
Love,
8 Comments
Elena, I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s such a difficult time and takes a long time to heal – if ever. I do find writing my thoughts in a journal does help, even if they are a little jumbled. I read somewhere that research has shown that writing about stressful or bad experiences help people digest and cope better. I do find as I’ve got older it’s harder to get the time to this. I’m glad you are blogging again and I look forward to reading your future posts x
Thank you, Kay! I believe we are very much alike, or at least this is how I feel when I read about you, so I thank you for telling me about your experience and encouraging me to write. I will try not to think too much about things and just let the words come out.
I look forward to reading your post and the future ones, too! xo
I’m sorry you’ve been through such a painful time – I can empathise- my dad died without warning, without goodbyes, quietly and without drama in his favourite chair with his book. I hope the writing helps – I really do. Your photo is beautiful and draws me in. xx
Thank you so much for your kind words, Boo. I thought I was prepared for my grandma’s loss, since she was very ill… of course I found out you can’t be prepared for something like that, even when you know for sure it’s going to happen soon. With my aunt it was different, and the feelings were different too, not only because I was just a child, but because she chose to leave us by committing suicide. It took me years to accept it 🙁
I’m really sorry for your loss, it must have been a very tough moment. I do hope knowing your dad passed away quietly, in his favourite chair, can bring you some sort of comfort… even though you were not able to say goodbye to him. I’m sure he was very much aware of the love you had for him… our actions speak so loud, even when we don’t have the chance to express our feelings.
I found this pic while browsing my hard drive today… I took it without even thinking about the subject or anything. It’s one of those pictures that have a lot to say about me. Why go to a therapist’s when you can take photos? 🙂 xo
Finding inner peace is quite the challenge, maybe it’s not as much as quieting the thoughts but simply allowing them to be without taking over all of the space. Yoga is nice, I never could stop thinking doing it though. I’m sorry for your loss dear xox
Maybe you are right, Isabelle… quieting the thoughts seems like a very difficult task. I’m still hoping there is a way to do so for at least a few minutes, as I’m sure that would do me good. My thoughts are so loud! I need to teach them to make less noise, or at least play a tune that I like 😉 Thank you so much, also for encouraging me to start practicing yoga! xox
Such a heartfelt post. The picture and your words drew me in and I finish reading wishing you to find your inner peace. I too am starting yoga next week so perhaps we can share notes of how we are progressing. Jo x
Hi Jo, nice to meet you! Thank you so much for your kind words and for the wishes… I do hope inner peace wants to be found (it’s incredibly good at hide-and-seek!) 😉 How cool that you’re starting yoga next week! We can absolutely share notes, I’m curious to know your thoughts about it and compare our experiences. Let’s hope it will do us both good! 🙂 xo